WARNING: This blog post has potential to trigger those who may be sensitive to this subject or have dealt with traumas growing up.
This is an extremely difficult topic for me to discuss, but I do believe that it is necessary to discuss. I want to remind everyone who has been in similar situations or is currently going through serious matters that you are not alone. You will recover from this. It will take work , patience and self discovery/ self love.
Without further ado, let’s dive into this topic.
Majority of us have dealt with some type of trauma at some point or another. Did you ever wonder as you’ve gotten older why you’ve chosen toxic partners despite you wanting to do better than your parents?
This is because of childhood trauma. This is from living in dysfunction on the daily and seeing it as “normal”. We don’t know any better as kids, especially when we are constantly in it.
Growing up, I was in a very unstable home. I was surrounded by my parents who had a very toxic marriage. There was constant fighting, cheating, lying and some physical abuse to an extent.
My dad was heavily into his drug and alcohol addiction at the time. My mom was trying to do her best given the scenario. She continued to stay married to him despite the emotional and verbal abuse going on not only towards her, but to my sister and I as well. I remember getting into the middle of their fights in hopes that they would stop. I constantly felt the need to protect my mom from him. I wasn’t afraid of facing my dad. I wasn’t afraid of the potential repercussions I would face. All I knew is, I wanted everyone to be okay and safe.
Later on, my parents finally divorced, but there was still a lot of dysfunction despite closing that chapter. My mom never fully healed from her trauma in that relationship. This is a very important step that was missed. She instead looked to others to help take away that pain. She ran from it. She would get involved in relationships thereafter versus focusing on herself. She provided a lot to us, I can’t say my entire childhood was terrible.
She was looking for love. She wanted to be loved by someone. Truthfully, the only love she needed was the love from herself. Self love is extremely important. Without it, you will never feel fulfilled or happy. You will constantly look for it in others, only creating an even deeper void.
Fast forward to my early adult life, I didn’t want to be anything like that. But here is the kicker, I ended up just like that. I chose partners that weren’t emotionally available or had similar issues to my parents. Why might you ask? Because that is all I knew. That was how I was brought up and conditioned. Even though I had the idea of what to look for in a partner, I always chose the closest thing to what resembled the dysfunction that I was used to.
The void I had in me continuously was unfulfilled because I too would jump from relationship to relationship just like my mom did. I would react to situations just like she would too. My last relationship prior to Shawn was the real kicker, the real wake up call I needed to realize I had to end this pattern. Had I continued this pattern, I would have grown even more self destructive than I already was.
This was finally when I decided to choose myself. To realize that I did deserve better, and that it was time for me to make some changes to better myself. I did make a few stupid choices while discovering who I am, but this is part of healing believe it or not. “Relapsing” is a normal part of healing. This can entail falling back into patterns, but having awareness and taking responsibility for actions.
Self-reflection helps us heal too, and taking said ownership of situations. This will allow you to actually look into yourself and really help you understand what changes need to be made.
Shawn was literally the best possible human that could have come into my life. He knew I was very broken, but willing to help me with my healing journey by being patient with me. He was the emotionally mature and safe human I needed and continue to need in my life. He helped me self-reflect on my life and grow more into the person I am today.
To this day, I’m still working on my issues. I’m still focusing on healing certain aspects of my life to enjoy actual freedom from my own shackles. I have my moments when I feel completely at a loss, but I remind myself of how far I’ve come too. I remind myself of who I was in the past, and how I have no desire to be that girl anymore. I love who I’m becoming and who I see myself as in the future.
I had to keep certain people at a distance, and completely cut out others who weren’t ready to embark on their own healing journeys. Not everyone will understand, and that is okay. Not everyone is ready to heal and some people never do. It is not our job to worry about others in that capacity. That has to come from themselves if, and when they are ready to figure their own issues out.
Healing is so important to actually live a life of freedom. You have to do the work to break toxic patterns and to establish new healthy ones. It’s a complete mindset change. Does this take time? Absolutely!
Like I mentioned before, I’m still working on myself. The biggest personal win I’ve had lately is taking ownership of my actions. In the past, I would find excuses as to why I was acting out, rather than acknowledging my behavior being poor.
Healing isn’t easy, but it’s so worth it. It’s worth the time and effort. If you need a therapist to help look from the outside in, definitely go for it. Do self healing books help? Yes, they definitely do, as long as you are actually taking the proper steps to heal.
To recap, you possess the power to heal. You are good enough. You are deserving of a beautiful and happy life. You are deserving of freedom. Do the work to break those toxic patterns. Do the work to discover yourself and love yourself. Become best friends with your body, mind and soul. You are never alone, you’ve got yourself always and forever.
Self love and gratitude is freedom. Be FREE and let all the past be carried away in the wind.